South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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