Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
