that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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