Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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