So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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