Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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