If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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