so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
