someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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