You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
