yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
