my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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