I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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