I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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