Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
