i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
