I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
