And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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