first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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