it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
