I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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