we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
