like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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