I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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