I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
