Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
