I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
