I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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