Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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