Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
