You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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