shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
