dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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