i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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