Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
whose parrot is this?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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