She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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