Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
