FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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