i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
