My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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