...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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