what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
