You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
