i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
