Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
