I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
BRING THE BAGELS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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