I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
