no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
