the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i came on her dog
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
