My underwear smells like fireworks.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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