It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
