Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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