My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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