you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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