he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
