o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
