i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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